_lately ridiculous and love_

So, he would STILL kick my ass at tap.

And grew up to do this...

And also this...


Show up when you're out of your contract, sir. Please!

My gung-gung (grandpa) is in the hospital after having a series of strokes and a "mild" heart attack. At any rate, he was disoriented in the hospital and thought he had been kidnapped. No matter his age (87), its weird to know we're close to seeing the end of his life and all I can think about is the way he was sleep-eating while in the hospital. He kept dozing off while waiting for the nurse changeover; he cupped his left hand with air where a porcelain rice bowl would be and brought invisible chopsticks to his lips, chewing at something obviously more delicious than his hospital dinner. That is the memory I want to keep, other than the memories of him giving the celebratory prayer for Thanksgiving dinner (in which he thanked God that we could all gather for Christmas).

On another note, life's been a bit rougher this year than last what with water woes at my house (had a leak within one of the walls in my room that also leaked underneath part of the carpet), all that's going on with Justin's family, feeling broke and a little unsure about my present career. Although I love publishing, the problem is money vs. time. I can take promos when they're available, but the DE position doesn't happen often and acq ed requires me to work as a sale rep and that's an issue across the industry. On top of that, the publishing companies I would ultimately like to work for are on the east coast and that doesn't fit my staying-local plan. There are other options, but for now I'm with Cengage.

I'm looking forward to the summer: seeing Justin graduate and hopefully loving out.

I may be allergic to the food coloring in the frosting we used during our St. Paddy Day's cookie celebration. We all brought cookies and frosting and colored sprinkles and I feel really off (hot, dizzy, can't catch my breath, can't focus my vision). Exciting! If I still feel like shit later I'm not coming in tomorrow. I have a lot to do, but I need to be healthy to do so.

Cengage is really a great place to work for; I really like the people I work with (including people who are not in Psych) and I feel like I'm making a contribution to our group. There's a lot to stay on top of, but I'm really trying to be a superstar. Right, I'm trying to climb my ass up the corporate ladder is more like it.

Right now, I'm photocopying a manuscript and I need to babysit it because the machine sometimes eats the paper and I have to clear the jams. I really hope, though, that I can get somewhere here because I'm a hard fucking worker and I want to be in this industry.


Anyhow, other than feeling odd, life is great. I really do love my hubby and my friends and I really can't complain about anything. Yes, I've got loans and car payments, but I'm working to pay those off and I'm living at home (which can be a challenge but shit, it's rent free). And I'm done at work. Sweet. Peace easy.

So I'm sick right now and I thought I was getting better, but I've got a dilemma at the moment--

Today I've taken airborne, mucinex, and lots and lots of halls honey lemon cough drops and I felt okay.

Then--an hour or so ago (can't sleep)--I start spitting up this weird white, grindy feeling stuff. It feels like a grinded up some chalk and swallowed it and am now sucking it up into my mouth so I can spit it back out. But I don't recall doing any such thing. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

And my teeth are hurting on the left side and I think I've been grinding my teeth but I hate my dentist so I don't want to go. A much stupider, easier to solve dilemma.

So now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear that my mouth will fill up with weird white grindy stuff and I'll drown! It's such a weird feeling. Kind of numb mouth, dry nose and tongue.

Gross gross gross...

There have been a lot of great things going on in my life lately:

I graduated from Cal State East Bay.
My mommy bought me a Yaris S (long story for the Buick's departure).
I got a job as an editorial assistant for an educational publisher.

I'm really excited to be starting my career directly after I graduated; I didn't expect to get a job so quickly. My mom bought me a Yaris after I got a "new" used car from my uncle. My dad had told me that my uncle wanted to give me his 91 Cadillac Coupe de Ville and I was thankful because it was an "upgrade" from the Buick; leather seats, digital screens, etc. But at some point my uncle put gasoline that had water in it and it caused the engine to kick and sputter. Driving to the city and then to school was really scary; no one on the Bay Bridge is very patient (I don't blame them) and I could only go 10 mph and then I would finally get the gas to go to the engine and I'd burn out. I clenched my teeth and hands and was so stressed out just from driving that I didn't go a couple days to school. I just didn't want to get behind the wheel. I had enough trouble with the Buick and, in the Cadillac, I just kept feeling like I was going to get rear ended because the stupid car was fucked up.

Anyhow, I was driving my mom and Just to get some dinner one exit away from my house and the exhaust kept popping and it eventually exploded open (I continually use this detail as an example of the magnitude of the blow: the lettering on the sides of the back of the car blew off from the force!). I broke down and freaked out and my dad told me "it'll be fine. take it to midas." So I did and I had to have my mom drive me home after dropping the car off, but she decided to take me to the Toyota dealership to look. We ended up leaving with a, practically, brand new Yaris. It's so cute and fun to drive and I'm excited every day to walk out there and see it and drive it wherever.

I ended up getting an interview with Gale/Cengage Learning in Belmont and I was excited because it is so close and they publish a lot of educational texts in eBook and print forms. The editor I would be working under was really nice and funny and we had a very nice conversation. I felt really good about the interview and I got a call the next week with their offer! Even though I'm not making a fortune, the experience will only help me reach my goals in the long run. I know that much.

Also, with all the good stuff going on, my sister wanted to congratulate me for graduating/prepare me, clothing-wise, for interviews. We went shopping and she bought me this suit that I really like. Spending the day shopping with her was somewhat exhausting (just because trying to find clothes that fit right and have the right shirt underneath, according to my sister, requires lots of thought), but I had a good time and I know that she's been lonely at her new place and I was happy to spend time with her. Yes, I've spent an entire post ranting about her misdeeds and my hatred for her--but I think I understand her more now than I did before and I think we're both trying not to change each other.

The only downside of my life at this moment is Christmas celebration(s). I usually love this holiday; its one of my favorites but everything seems different this year. My aunt and uncle are the hosts this year and they decided to have our family party tomorrow, the 23rd. Every year before this its been on Christmas Day. To top it off, its in Sacramento and I had already told Just I would go with him for his Christmas party for work. I really wanted to go with him and had bought an outfit and everything, so I said I would go to lunch in Sac and be back here for dinner. I was going to do that until my mom told me I didn't have to since there wouldn't be that many people up there anyway. It just made the holiday with my mom's side of the family seem unimportant. I wanted to spend the actual Christmas day with them, but because the hosts chose the day I have other plans. Oh well. The only reason I really wanted to go is to be there for my mom. I know she depends on me sometimes--but she's a damn strong woman.

My dad has made my life . . . actually he hasn't done shit and that's the problem. He wouldn't help pay for the car, big surprise, because he didn't have a hand in choosing it. If he had, I would probably be driving another hand-me-down piece of lemony shit. I was crying at the Toyota dealership because he kept asking me to tell my mom not to buy it and I didn't want her to be poor because she was worried and I was frustrated that he wasn't worried about my safety. By putting me in a shitty car and using shitty car insurance with assholes running the roadside service he puts me in danger. I know many people have to do all this shit on their own and I can't really complain about the fact that he's at least paying for that for me, but the problem is that crap-ass things have happened in that car and with that insurance but he doesn't change it. He just says he will. For this Christmas, since my mom's family's thing is early, I tried to tell my dad I could spend it with his side of the family. I left him messages to tell him that Just would be coming with me this year and that we'd be there Christmas Day for dinner at my uncle's. He didn't call me back to tell me he'd gotten the messages. I spoke to him today and he said, "there weren't any messages. you didn't send them. i told you we have dinner on christmas eve. we always do regardless of what's going on with mom's family." I heard Mary in the background (but we have so much food!) and it just made me feel like shit. What the fuck? Isn't being there one day enough? Isn't listening to him lecture me about becoming a teacher, being fat and this and that bad enough? I make his "favorite pie" and he criticizes my crust when its only the second time I've ever made it. He's such an asshole really. He makes thousands and thousands of dollars and I get he has some budge but he's never been out for anyone but himself. I guess that's his prerogative, but when you have kids you should care for them. I'm a good fucking kid. Maybe I give him attitude, but its because he never remembers anything as it was/is, but as he believes in his mind. He thinks he's saved me somehow, helped me here or there, but in actuality the only things he's done are either in guilt for what little he had to do in my upbringing or a manipulation to get what he wants all over again. If he cared, he wouldn't have given me that shitty Caddy and made me feel like I had to be grateful when it was 16 miles/gallon and I drove 80+ miles 2 times a week last quarter.

Honestly, ranting about my father is nothing new. I have already decided that, when I get married, I will spend time with my husband's family and my mom's family because I hate being around my dad. He feeds off of making others feel inferior, making snide comments, picking his teeth and nose, telling me what to do and repeating falsified family stories. Dad, if you ever read this, you did not save me from drowning when I was five. A random fisherman was there when you weren't. Reflective of our father/daughter relationship.

I'm happy I have my mommy because I know she'll always love me and she's generous even when she shouldn't be. I'm going to pay for that car and my loans and my bills and, if my dad doesn't want to help, that's fine. I've handled life without his help or support anyhow. He pretends to be supportive, but its all a ruse to get his own way. My mom is who she is and is how she is because she is a loving, selfless person. Yes, she has her days but I don't blame her. She learned the hard way that you can only depend on yourself, but she knows I'm here too.

Then there's Just. I'm so proud of my baby finishing his first quarter at Cal State while working at the same time, visiting me and his mom and trying to deal with bullshit bills. This Christmas we're focusing a lot on each other and I'm depending on him, leaning on him at family functions should they sour. Thanksgiving we didn't spend together and he texted me that he was going to make time to be with me and my family since we both missed having each other there--I just wish this year we could spend it with my mom's family and not my dad's. I just don't feel comfortable in the same way there. I can't. But I'm really excited to spend Christmas with Justin.

Anyhow--I think that's enough of that. Everything good. Dad's himself. All will be good in 2008.

so i had an interview this morning at 11 in the city and last night i was all nervous. well, let me back up a bit.

my mom had called me and said she was bringing me beef chow fun around 6:30pm and i felt like having a soda so i opened it and waited for my mom to get back. she didn't get back 'til 9pm and, me being me, i didn't want to waste the cherry pepsi nor did i want to bring it back downstairs so i drank it. that combined with having gone to sleep at 5am the morning before. ok this is way more complicated than it needs to be and its probably because nothing is computing at this time.

anyway--so last night i couldn't sleep because i was anxious about the interview and i thought, "hey, why not watch a movie since i can't sleep." i watched mr.woodcock and i was not impressed. even the audience in the bootleg version was silent. never a good sign in a comedy. then i still couldn't sleep so i decided to watch blades of glory. i saw it when it first came out and i figured i could fall asleep to it since i knew the jokes, but the hilariousness worked against me. after that i watched becoming jane which was crazy good quality (dvd quality) and it was a very heartwrenching story about how she became the author she was. the societal constraints and filial obligations were more important than affection, but i really enjoyed the story and the actors played their parts well. after that i still couldn't sleep and it was already light out so i started watching resident evil: extinction. it was a little over half an hour until my alarm would sound off and the quality on that movie wasn't spectacular so i ended up falling asleep for a bit.

i woke up groggy but i did my makeup, pulled my hair back, got dressed, made coffee and headed out. i got downtown early, but parking is ridiculous because its the business district. i found a parking garage that was up the street from the macadam/cage office and the attendant was very nice. i told him i had an interview and didn't know how long i'd be. he saw that i was nervous about maneuvering through the crowded lot and told me to park in the handicap spot.

i found the suite and the interview was very informal and brief. we talked about my schedule and what they are about and then she offered me the position. she gave me a catalog and introduced me to the few people in the suite and, even though there weren't many people, i am terrible with names and was lacking sleep so i only know the name of the woman who interviewed me. the dress is casual, the office is quaint and the content is going to be great. i'll be reading manuscripts and such. i was excited as i walked out of the suite and was disoriented because i wasn't sure where i parked. i got to a street corner and tried to avoid a hole in the cement and ended up slipping and falling slightly. the top of my foot got scraped on the pavement and it would've been fine had there not been lots of passersby. there was a man next to me and he asked if i was okay and of course i said yes and i said something about how my shoes were slippery because i was embarassed and i think he wanted to avoid small talk so he immediately crossed the street in the other direction. city life--gotta love it.

when i got back to the parking garage i told the attendant that it was a lot shorter than i'd expected and he reassured me that that was fine and i told him i got the job, nevermind it's an unpaid internship, and he was very cheery which sort of made up for the fact that i slipped on the corner. man, that section of the city is anti-parking and ridiculous to navigate as a newbie without looking like a fucking tourist-idiot. whatevs, i got the position and that's what is important.

what made my day more was getting a text from justin after the interview. i think he sent it before i spoke to the assistant editor, but there wasn't reception on the 5th floor so i received it as i was exiting the elevator. it read: "you're so smart and beautiful. anyone that doesn't hire you is a fool." for sure, my love, is a keeper. i guess it's official, though. i can no longer be a sugar mama (not that i really have been but we're both jobless at the moment, and waiting on loans). now i have to try to sleep. good morning!

my honey had the worst day yesterday. trying to buy necessities and then being patient while we burned time at serramonte and losing his beloved 40 gig iPod. then to his mom's place to find a stack of unsubstantiated bills for the dentist and physician. he's on the job search and trying to find a job that will fit his time schedule with school and be sufficient for monthly bills. baby's not used to NOT working. he's always a hard worker and earns his money by doing a great job, and then his new housemates are making him feel restricted from watching tv, coming in late, and other nonsense while he's trying to help clean and such. i don't think its what he expected and i definitely didn't think it would be that strict a household.

*i wish i could win the lottery, pay of my bills and his bills, buy us both awesome (yet practical) cars and a nice little house. then we could both finish school and find jobs that suit us without having to worry so much. he more than me because the major debt i have is from school loans and i have time to pay it off, but Just... its just not fair. life's dealt him from the wrong side of the deck and he's always trying to do the right thing by others. he doesn't steal, he doesn't ask for favors, and he's always trying to be sweet to others. i just wish he could catch a break, you know? find a job that pays him what he deserves and doesn't make him work weekends and live in a place where he feels comfortable being himself.

i know it seems weird that i'm venting on my bf's problems, but they really do matter to me. he's gone through a lot since we started dating and i want, for once, his life to be a little easier. the only thing i can say is that our lives dictate who we become and i know he's a stronger person for what he's been through. hopefully the hard work now will pay off in the end.

school's almost over for me. i may only have two classes spanning 5 days (shakespeare and advanced fiction workshop). i would be totally fine with it except that it strains my internship possibilities. chronicle was very nice in responding to my application, but they said that my limited day schedule kept them from wanting me. macadam/cage sent a reply and said they would like to interview me monday, but i realized i hadn't given them a detailed school schedule and that i wouldn't be able to go to the SF office for 2 entire days a week. if THEY were okay with it i would go everyday after and before school, even though it would suck, so i could get the experience. it would probably be a waste of time though because i get out MWF at 2:30. those were the only classes i needed and the only days i could take them. boo. i've been checking out publishing houses in the area and i'm glad to say there are a lot more than i thought there were. i hope that one of them would be kind enough to give me an entry-level position, but one can only hope at this point. i don't have any actual work experience so all i can do is show them what i'm made of and work hard as always. i am taking a few workshops that should help my chances and the director of that program said she could offer help with any questions, so that's encouraging.

overall life has been good. i've been spending somewhat recklessly because i'm glad i finally don't have to worry about it, but i don't want to get too low in my bank account. if no internships arise i'm going back to work parttime. My schedule's all weird, though, so i hope i find someplace that will be flexible.

i'm awfully chatty tonight.

honestly, i should be reading classics or writing something "creative" but i'm just venting and trying not to worry about what i can't control.

friday jorge, kim, just and i are going to see transformers in IMAX. it'll be jorge and kim's second time, i believe, and just's and my first time seeing it i love IMAX though, whether the movie's as great as everyone says it is or not.

saturday i'm going to rekindle some friendships with girls i was friends with when i was little. fremont days. sigh. i know it might be a little awkward with them, but i hope a little sip here and there will help. it will for sure be a fun thing, though. some of my besties will be busy this weekend away in vegas or with their little nieces or other such things so i won't get to see them even though i miss them. i promised to take steph out for a celebratory meal since she was admitted to an lvn program so that may happen this weekend or next week before school starts.

i couldn't be happier with my relationship right now. he's truly the love of my life and i'm really happy he doesn't have to worry about rent or driving far to get to school, but i just hope he has a happier time living in "the haystack." it's all going to take some adjusting and i'm trying not to be too homesick for him. all we have to do is get through school, support each other, and try to control the chaos that is our life...or our lives. same difference.

k, enough ranting now. thanks for reading!

I had to stop working at DCP because of the distance and lack of funds, but I wonder whether I should return now that my financial situation is more stable. However, the books they produce are not exactly what I would want to work with in the future--but it would be experience nonetheless.

I just applied to to 3 internship programs that are closer to home (well, one is in Emeryville) and I really want something focused more in fiction or at least more literary. Anyone know of any? I applied to Avalon, Chronicle Books, and MacAdam/Cage Publishing. I went on a huge "need to get focused" fix and bought some classical books as well as an instructional creative writing booklet and a novel & short story writer's market catalog that helped me find these Bay Area publishers. There are a lot more than I thought, but the possibilities are limited because the majority require only a small staff. Let's hope one can make room for me.

Now that it is my last quarter I am really worried that I'm not prepared for the working world. I want to find a place in publishing, but I don't know how realistic that prospect is without more education. Hopefully, my cover letters will help me something and my resume will back up what I say.

Hic-cup. Hic-cup (for real).

I'm going to focus my two weeks of "break" on writing and reading. I'm really behind on the classics and I want to get ahead on short stories because I hear that my new creative writing professor is more demanding and structured than my past professors. And anyhow, I should be writing all the time to try to get better at it. If I can't be an editor, maybe I can be a fiction writer. If I can't be a writer, maybe I can be a copywriter or technical writer. And if all else fails, it may be back to the aprons, food, and hungry customers. Or just a desk job. Boo.

Otherwise life is pretty good. I had a Labor Day BBQ and pool party which I thought would be about ten people or so and ended up being more like 30 or 40 throughout the course of the day. Word of mouth is obviously stronger than Myspace evites. It wasn't hot, but it was hella fun and there was a lot of delicious food. Only odd thing of the day was a neighbor yelling down to the pool to tell us "douches to shut the fuck up because some people need to rest on the holidays! stupid assholes! shut up!" Some old Chinese dude kept screaming out his bedroom window at my friends and me and there were children at the pool too, so I went over to the unofficial mayor of our little community and asked him what he could do. He told me the old guy recently had a stroke and was paralyzed on half of his body--but honestly his mouth needed to be paralyzed. Some of my homies were screaming back threats and such and it was funny. We were playing water "football" and were, of course, loud but it was a holiday and early afternoon. He had no place and the mayor told us to have our fun without worry.


So everyone wish me luck with my internship applications, because rejection without a rejection letter sucks, and that I will write something others will enjoy reading.

So although I am being total slacker I decided to look at craigslist to see what kind of positions are available for editors in the bay area and whether or not they require lots of experience. As I thought, they all require 2-5 years previous editorial experience and are generally either technical writing positions or online-format positions. What do I really know about either? Nearly nothing. I hope that my Dad's connection, a retired editor, will be able to help me make some valuable connections and that my previous experience with DCP will also make me more appealing than other applicants.

No matter how hard working I am or how much I want to work with fiction I can't do it if it's not available. Now I'm wondering if I should try cramming in another class or two before I graduate (a technical writing and editorial class) because I know that they will give me a little edge into the field. I had mapped myself out so that I could take 2 courses in summer and 3 in fall to graduate--but I know those courses would only be beneficial. I think they'd give me the basic parameters for those kinds of positions, but I don't want to stress myself out. Blah. What to do?

It looks like there's a lot out there really, just not sure where I'll be able to fit in at the entry level since they want experience. I hope one of them tries me out. Hell, I have to start somewhere right?

Anyways, the bf is sleeping somewhat restlessly next to me and I'm clicking away so I better stop. He's shown just how much he needed sleep. Whatevs, I love the man regardless of his moods and he BETTER be the same =)

p.s. I am no longer a guitar hero. =( I better get back on that after I do my homework.

senioriatosis is worse than senioritis--it is refusal to study and attend class and instead hang out with my beloveds and do absolutely nothing.

the lack of money does not help, but I have overly generous people around me willing to shower me with food money and haircuts. well, one haircut =)

Just and I are quite fabulous. he's the generous do-gooder taking me to a stylist. I'm going to try something different so I hope it doesn't turn out shitty.

School's okay. I think I have a natural aversion to summer school. I'm missing grammar class and psychology of personality, but I've still been "studying" and reading the material so I will still get pretty okay grades.

on another note, its been nice having seen some folks I had not in awhile. May's on her way here in a bit to have lunch cuz she's back from Australia and I saw Leslie over the weekend who was back for too short a time. she looks awesome as always. other than those few however I have not seen my regulars as often as I'd like, but all is better now that Just has finalized paperwork on his move from that detestible apartment. honestly, the actual structure was fine, the owner was the major problem. unprofessional, overgrown adolescent who has too much money.

my school has still not completely rectified their mistake, which I think I described before and don't want to go over again, but all I want is for the money I paid to go to what it should and for them to not overcharge me AND give me my loans.

I'm still considering getting a job because I feel pathetic having to rely completely on loans and have nothing to do after classes. I could do more but we'll see.

This post is depressing and over.

=I life is not so depressing, but the "highlights" are haha. sad, yes?

The best thing that's happened to me recently was a spontaneous trip to santa cruz. Just and I had a day off together so we sorta slept in and did a few errands and then, on a whim, went to santa cruz and had overpriced burgers and fries and funnel cake. it was flipping awesome and a much needed relaxation after my recent money troubles and his move-out. Sweet. I love that man so so so much. cheese.